Inarticulate Joy

2011-08-28T17:52:00.001-06:00

I don't know ....

2011-06-01T09:42:00.000-06:00

Saying words ... writing words - Love may seem absent or dressed in so many different ways

Please see beyond the words, the sentences and paragraphs

See how much love wishes to speak, express - and does so in unknown ways

Living humanness - expressing - dancing - singing - falling - experiencing body pain - senses alive - playing - moving - silence

Please know I long for this heart to meet yours in deep embrace

So many words to say, yet none can touch the experience now present

Maybe underneath the words, spoken or written ... maybe the words do convey in some way

The deep desire for merging into the one heart - where words are no longer

The stories told here are as painting on canvas - they paint a picture, an art form to be observed - interpreted uniquely

Please know I long for this heart to meet yours in deep embrace

So many words to say, but none greater than I love you...

2011-03-28T08:13:00.000-06:00

Being is being

Experience as experience

Coloring as infinite through experience

Being as the experience

The paintbrush of thought is no more me than the paintbrush is ...

Actively interested in the experience, no matter how the art of life appears

Like art, an ever expressive wave of creation, happening now

Time gives the opportunity to contemplate the creation... humaneness to feel and experience

What fun it is to sing a song, paint these words

.... inexplicable love expressing ceaselessly ....

2011-01-16T07:52:00.000-07:00

This life as me, searching, interpreting, making sense of what's happening or going on - past, present and future. Gathering information, feeling, responding and reacting - with a need to defend, protect and do / be right.

All the while yearning for love, acceptance and belonging. Hearing loves call yet, trying to earn it through good deeds, making something of myself in this life. Contributing to the world in some meaningful valuable way.

All natural it seems as the story goes ...

It all appears as the platform: Darrel - swaying with circumstances and occurrences trying to understand, process and live life as this conceptual bundle of forever vacillating input of thoughts, feelings, beliefs and experiences. Wanting to live life as someone special, kind and purposeful...etc.

Yet, as this life - failure is seen as often. Body health, purposeful employment, earning love as this self for self and others - a struggle, at best temporary success in some of life's many daily challenges.

As awareness arises, as it is seen, felt and realized through this life experience - I feel love, compassion and peace... as being, the simple inexpressible profoundness of being.

Oh yes, there are desires which arise from the platform of Darrel, which grab onto this "knowing" and plan lofty things... healing, success and doing great deeds in the world. Yet, with this identification too, judgement soon arises, the feeling of separateness and self-important Darrel plays out.

Time seems the enemy (mortality), pain is felt - self worth is evaluated based on stature, friends and a determination of how free I am in this moment - free from all the struggle. The game begins to rid myself of the game. Another strategy is conceived to live life as true knowing, the divine oneness, you know the spiritual lofty stuff!

Read more books, talk to someone who lives as the enlightened self - all this from the platform of Darrel. It is summed up at times as not a bad life in the scheme of things, it could be worse right? Yes, the evaluation continues - measuring life, self and meaning.

A deeper yearning arises... as this life is seen through - success with failures, pain with pleasure, madness with sanity ...

A crack in the foundation appears ... light streams in as day break

A timeless sensation of warmth and knowing arises in my chest... a feeling of well-being

... compassion is felt - joy arises.

A realization of what I think I know or don't know ... is what it is, a realization.

The need for a spiritual GPS to evaluate where Darrel is in the scheme of things is met with laughter and great compassion.

Love and joy dwell - experienced as this very present awareness.

2010-12-31T08:43:00.000-07:00

Now: everything I've been waiting for

2010-10-14T12:18:00.000-06:00

Life is perfect...

a divine mystery

circumstances are seen as life... much as a seed may grow and blossom or
slowly decay to dust, both temporarily fuel the appearance of life

a limitless expression of the One

what decides the seeds fate is the unsolvable mystery, all happening as Life

naturally, Life is amazing perfection

thoughts, beliefs and circumstances are as real as they are temporary

I am Life... life which includes death... infinitely

2010-09-16T14:12:00.000-06:00

seeing light bleed through the partially open door

i'm moved toward this opening...

a felt sense beckons me nearer, yet a sensation of resistance arises

the door opens wider

a great light with unimaginable depth is present

the pulsing expanding sound of joy bathes me, i am through the opening

encompassed by the light a feeling of allness pervades

i am the other side, the door and the light

i am the no thing of everything

2010-09-08T10:57:00.000-06:00

as I begin writing lately ... the words are seen through

after a bit, an effervescent smile arises... and these eyes pleasantly stare at a blank screen

no words are written ... yet, the feeling is of fullness

so much love here - so much love.

2010-08-29T10:11:00.005-06:00

Words, ideas and concepts shared with "others"

Whom's intent may be colored through filters

I love you, to experience how to love self

Lost in the not knowing of how it all happens

Unknown in the vast array of being (good luck GPS)

I cherish the reality of seeming purposeful existence

I trust I forget in moments, the deep desire to experience all of loves offering

However, it shows up my friend

I love you all the more ...

The Infinite of now, may be wishful thinking

For what is aware, is ever known to be

Catching a ride on the wave cannot be missed

Can the ride be understood? Successful or not?

Love's ever-self, playing out as this experience

How can the nectar of that truth be bitter by forgetting?

Here's to the ride, the unknown, the unmeasurable whisper of love's lips

Ignorance is bliss?

2010-08-07T04:50:00.000-06:00

no meaning = infinite value

- Matt Kahn

NOW ...

2010-07-23T13:13:00.000-06:00

Sweet nectar of life

as movement occurs, whether seemingly in my control or out of my control (ha!)

it matters not

For here is life, in all it's glory

Here to embrace ... I choose fully - this rawness - willing to risk everything for the felt sense of being (belonging to all that is)

Sometimes it shows up as seeing a sparkle in my friends eyes

Sometimes in the traffic congestion, or confusion, the feeling of failure

Sometimes in the simplest of things ... recognizing life as it happens

Ah... this is life at it's fullest ... raw, natural - flowing with incomprehensible, unfathomable love

This is the intersection of power ... to consciously choose to take in this moment fully

The willingness to Be fully - whatever that means ... right now

Free of mental chains, free of habits, yet allowing all of it .... knowing unceasingly,...

Knowing unceasingly ... this is exactly the experience that is "supposed" to be happening ... right here

right now ...

this is the act of supreme love

this is the ultimate experience of life

this is the freedom Darrel has been searching for

Life as it is ... is the culmination of all desires, wants, needs and dreams

it is felt and known, as this

the minds interpretation of these words

the body's sensations

the infinite experience of now is this!

Not for when .... not for if ... not for ...

NOW my loves .... NOW

I love thee ...

2010-07-13T13:48:00.000-06:00

A blade of grass

a new fallen leaf

The strength and magnificence of a tree

a gentle breeze as it whispers across a field of tulips

A newly purchased book, the knowledge which is sought .... a reminder of what is known

the deep dark depth of a howling storm

Music which transports beyond time and space

a picture which allows one to see another realm of truth

A smile, a laugh, the ageless gaze into the eyes of the soul

the gift of life as it is....

The chase of words to describe the impossible

how love strips self to the core

I love thee as all there is and every was

I love thee as this striving self to discover the very essence of truth

I love thee

I love thee

Life ...

2010-07-07T00:23:00.000-06:00

Gentle drops of rain against the darkness of night

Wondering in the scarcity of sight and sound

Light narrowly casts it shadow to reveal a slice of structure in the room

Great adventure stirs inside as silence pervades over indwelling chatter

Being the breath as it pushes out into imagined existence

Attention rivets on the source ... noticing the pause .... then the impulse which naturally arises

The essence of life taken care of without thought or concern ... not knowing how this human form continues

Dropping more deeply into the pause ... sitting with the miracle of the next breath

Unknown, mysteriously and mindfully absent - life continues undaunted by understanding or interpretation

Passionately surrendered to the desire of dictating life's outcome, I am awestruck at the infinite blessing which is ...

Where the sun shines ...

2010-07-01T07:08:00.000-06:00

As I have observed this life experience, there was a realization how weather can influence my "mood" as I rise for the day... and even when feeling ill at night, somehow turning on the light in the room offers some level of comfort. And although this may be natural to be happier when the sun is shining, it felt as though there was something more underneath what was being noticed...

As I inquired in more depth into this observation, I remembered how as a child I didn't recall receiving the nurturing and support I had so desperately wanted. The experience was I had to meet challenges whether mental or physical alone. At night the mind would conjure up all sorts of stories and possible outcomes from what I was feeling or experiencing.

I certainly felt afraid and alone at times ... I sometimes snuck into my parents bedroom in the middle of the night and would lay on the floor at the end of their bed if the feeling of terror was too much to bear alone.

Now however, as I continue to delve deeper into now, what is present as it shows up in the body and felt experience, I realize when shaken to the core in some way the same search for light holds true. I feel the unease / lost sense in the mind searching for a rational explanation of what's going on. I also sense the terror and contraction in the body ... trying to protect itself from being attacked or some danger it senses. When awoken at night when my body is challenged in some way, I search for comfort in light or warmth or medicine.

In truth, my search for the meaning and purpose of life is a result of deeper inquiry into why I was here experiencing these life challenges. Over many years, the search has lead me inside... through the portal of now, and what is present through direct experience.

As my awareness has grown I have been able to observe and experience in greater depth, the feelings and thoughts of the different aspects of self. I brought presence and love to the lost child and other wounded aspects of self. I sense this is a life-long journey ... however, directly facing and experiencing whatever arises has resulted in a greater felt sense of peace and joy... resulting in a deep knowing of belonging, and unicity.

As I wake now no matter when or why ... I feel this deeper sense of peace, while my mind still searches for it's answers and the body may be feeling pain or discomfort ... the sense of well-being is unshakable.

The sun is always shining ....

rain puddles

2010-06-27T19:32:00.000-06:00

crying as rain falls from my brow in a thunderstorm of joyousness

staying in stillness as quiet invades the spaciousness of a busy mind

gloriously awaiting nothing noticing what appears as the movement of air and the sound of a gentle breeze

in my hearts longing is this blessedness what could fill it greater I know not

as the mind ponders this being is settled as rain puddles mirror the sky

getting better?

2010-06-24T10:25:00.000-06:00

getting better is relative

better from what point of view?

better for whom?

better from what is now or better than ...... now? Nothing changed you say? Are you sure?

isn't better a perspective?

whom is the identity which is offering this perspective?

does this identity represent the totality of you?

does this concept of better and "me", stay stagnate?

what fun to challenge words, concepts and phrases!

Listening

2010-06-23T20:45:00.000-06:00

Taking the time to listen as I am now ... to what's underneath the impetus to write these words

the infinite speaks

Each journey is our own, I see glimpses of eternal beauty .... wonder and awe

it humbles me to know the truth - too amazing to articulate

Finding what is underneath this life experience yet imbues and nourishes incognito to vocabulary

listening with my whole-being

No longer searching for meaning - now relishing in even the simplest of things

seeing myself in all of life - fully facing the looker

Nothing to figure out - questions somehow evaporate

truth lies here - nameless

The journey as this noticing, typing on a keyboard - not feeling the boundaries of perception - not needing to know

as the words are finished for now

feeling the body, the mind thinking of the next thing to do ...

I smile and treasure the joy shared, the connection between us

acknowledging the simple treasure of listening - listening to what is here, moving in symphonic silence

forever nourishing - revealing itself as this....

Too good?

2010-06-18T15:33:00.000-06:00

My brother has an annual golf tournament he sponsors and this year is his 20th such event. Due to this momentous occasion all my sisters are coming in from various locations to partake in the tournament and subsequent festivities.

I have probably played in the tournament 10 times or so and certainly the last couple of years as my wife's favorite participatory sport is golf. This year I decided I want to take a couple of lessons because:

1) have more fun (ie... less swings and time searching for wayward golf balls)

2) assist my partner in hitting some of the kept shots (best ball is played per team)

3) it would encourage me to play more and get more exercise, be outdoors etc...

Today while I was saying goodbye to my wife before she left to work - we went over my planned schedule for the day and she reiterated "Oh, you have your golf lesson today...um... your going to get good!" to which I almost stepped over her speaking and said "Oh honey ... I hit 1 in 5 good shots now ... so maybe I will hit 2 in 5 after my lessons".

After she had left it popped into my mind how I felt when she said those words ... "get good" and how I got an uneasy feeling in my gut ... I felt like my response was to her was defensive ... it was as if me getting good at golf was somehow going to harm her or make her feel bad. I felt embarrassed some how? Embarrassed in taking golf lessons to get better at golf? Seemed pretty harmless - but wow, one comment in passing from my wife and KA BLU EEEEEEE.....

Although the comment was innocent (she meant no harm) ... it allowed me to really witness what the underpinnings of the emotional knot around "being good". In feeling into this deeper I remember as a child how my fathers expectations were so high of me, and I was never good enough. And my mothers focus was not being selfish, thinking about others first and focus on what I can do in service to them, not me.

I remembered too as I got older that somehow if things got too good, too nice of house or car or job - somehow I was putting down my parents or others. I was showing them up, rubbing it in their face, like I was taunting them with my new found good will. This feeling created separation - the haves and the have nots. The closeness in the family was lost.

Thankfully that is no longer true! Our family is closer than ever, amazing what happens when healing occurs.

I don't want to get into a novel or pontificate on all the "work" I have done over the years to deepen my healing, what I do want to share is.... I am human, stuff happens and since I've decided the best way to love and serve others is to truly love and serve myself, I accept all things that arise in my life and choose to face them directly. This means to love all aspects of myself. To witness with an open heart all others equally and be honest about the experience... no matter what.

I've chosen this path... there is no turning back ... I will let love have it's way with me ... even if that means I'm "getting good".

Pill box ...

2010-06-17T20:36:00.000-06:00

I noticed today as I was filling up my weekly pill / vitamin / Omega 3 allotment for the week, how my mind imagines "... by the time next week rolls around, I wonder how I will feel, what will have transpired?" I also scan the upcoming weekly events - if they are something I look forward to, I feel the excitement and sense of anticipation. If however, I have a root canal or some event I am dreading - I feel the unease and desire to avoid this feeling and the event.

I start telling myself stories of how I can always get out of whatever it is ... I pre-plan my excuses, not just any excuses mind you - really compelling excuses! It puts my my mind at ease and I move on.

Instead of strategizing on how I want to change these habits or conditioning - I have begun practicing more fully listening and feeling into what is present.

Simply noticing what arises and bringing my attention to what is actually happening ....

I am standing in the kitchen putting healing capsules in a plastic white pill box.

Oh and there is this lovely smell of chicken noodle soup cooking on the stove .... rich!

Today ...

2010-06-16T23:16:00.000-06:00

I've decided to take a different approach with this blog.

Instead of just writing when I feel I have something deep or cathartic to share, I've decided to use this venue as a pseudo journal. In capturing my musings in this way I hope to practice the art of humor while enjoying the ride and to share it with others whom may enjoy it too! After all, the happenings of daily life offer the portal to fully experience what is present... no mountain top, no retreat ... simply life as it shows up .... here we go.

Dog Poop

Today as I was wandering around the house and doing what I do in the morning ... had breakfast, tea and as I passed by our front door I noticed (we have slim windows on each side of our front door) a small yellow bag that looked very much like one of those dog poop bags (it was even tied and appeared to have a small lump of "stuff" in it).

My mind immediately went to: (and my gut clenched, my chest tightened and my breathing became erratic)

"I remember hearing a small thud earlier in the morning, did someone throw this bag at our house?!?!"
"What did I do that pissed someone off... who hates me?"
"Are we being targeted by someone in the neighborhood who doesn't like us?"

and the big one .... "What will THEY do NEXT?!?"

I asked my wife if she heard anything earlier in the morning and asked her if she had seen the yellow poop bag outside the door. She laughed and said, "Darling, I removed my nail polish and I know you don't like the smell of the nail polish remover so I put the cotton balls in a bag and set it outside until I could put it in the outside trash".

What a cathartic moment!

Projection - yes
Perfection filter engaged - yes
Fear of rejection - uh huh
Mind running rampant - oh hell ya!

I had to chuckle at the whole event and after sitting with what had just transpired, other thoughts started creeping in ... I felt guilt and "how could I" and the ever present voice of the judge "You're spiritual, and better than this and you let a small yellow bag throw you into a flight or fright situation!!". I then sat down and relaxed, and observed what just happened - I had compassion for the part of me that lives in fear, in judgement and demands perfection.

I really appreciated that I was aware enough to witness my emotions, my breathing and be willing to accept myself for who I am.. the entirety of who I am.

I also felt the deep truth of the trauma and challenges I went through as a child and how I swallowed most of it ... had no outlet for my feelings of fear ... no where to run. A deeper way of seeing the depth of what can show up even after all the therapy, personal growth work etc.

So everyday stuff ... can offer the opportunity to love and appreciate myself more, my life situation and such a small thing as phantom dog poop ... can be a wondrous gift.

Life appearing ...

2010-06-10T08:33:00.002-06:00

Seeing as life appears,

the joy observed in details, the laughter in what seems so important or not

Seeing as life appears,

the flavors of the richness in the air, the floor under my feet

Seeing as life appears,

the news, the paper, my aunts funeral announcement

Seeing as life appears,

the finality of all things as they disappear,

the void presence brings,

how much love's thread weaves it all, somehow

seeing as life appears

Truth

2010-05-31T03:24:00.000-06:00

The opportunity to meet truth is always present
every moment is a portal beyond appearance

When body / mind are seen as the totality of being via life experience -
such filters veil unicity and offer various versions of storied truths

The search for self in a web of stimulus, thoughts, feelings ... an imagined reality
belonging, success, love, freedom and away from - fear, pain and aloneness

Small self, every changing self trying to master the world of "me"

(stopping)

Loving this me, embracing all permeations of struggle and situational presence

(connecting)

Love is not separate from what is ...

(portal of awareness)

What is, I AM

Sunburst

2010-04-01T11:02:00.000-06:00

What is unfolding and seen through this experience ... is the beauty of what is ever present and has always been.

... No matter what seemingly arises day to day it is the visceral experience of that which is the infinite breathe we share, which brings a peace beyond understanding.

The very simplest of life's joys are merely "awakeness" for every glorious moment ... this ever present space is realized as timeless, sacred.

ahh... a glorious sunburst of love fills me

Freedom ...

2010-03-16T23:41:00.000-06:00

In the minds ever desirous attempt to get "somewhere" or evaluate the status of things... life, death or my current clothing choice ...

Just a moment of silence allows the light to envelop the thought of the moment and instantly a warm connectedness happens. I can "see" my thoughts in a way that takes the seriousness out of them. I have grown more and more to love the me that struggles for breath, love and life.

In great gratitude of what is, the endless freedom again arises from the depths of being.

No mystery really, because there is nothing to figure out here... no end in sight, no separation.

This freedom offers a gateway of sorts, a way to the unknown of loves all encompassing embrace.

Beauty ...

2010-02-18T09:53:00.000-07:00

In this space of seeing beyond the eyes

Of connectedness void of body identification

The voice of Love is heard and felt as it's very essence

What is seen is divine by nature

The body relaxes in the splendor of surrender

Breathing in this joyfulness ...

Gratitude is the outward breath ...

Another day in paradise indeed!

In celebration of this beauty and perfection

The ever Truth of this one-life

foggy weather ...

2010-01-29T08:22:00.000-07:00

grateful for the foggy, misty weather this morning

grateful for just watching the random thoughts showing up in awareness

grateful for the many ways the mind informs that stories of "me" are of utmost importance

grateful for the enthusiasm to lose my-self

grateful for the tears that come when the struggle presents itself

grateful for all the lovely mirrors of life in people, nature and circumstance

grateful for the courage of honesty no matter what

grateful for what is observing it all, as itself

Inarticulate Joy

2010-01-21T09:49:00.000-07:00

This [fill in the blank thought/perception/feeling] is absolute perfection

There is no greater experience than what is being experienced in this very moment

Whatever the mind is thinking, whatever is being felt, wherever the body is

The mind wants some sort of proof ... wants to know what makes this perfect?
It's because it's what IS happening

Seen through are the strategies, the search for something 'more'

Freedom is this perfect moment

At times the mind struggles, the body tenses, it feels great fear -

It searches in its history on how to escape this feeling, this pain -

It fears it cannot breathe, it's going to die.... and then it doesn't

Ah ... the reality of what is ...

Observed is the way the mind plans for its future, and how it wants to:
- know what is coming next so as to feel safe
- hold onto these bundles of experiences as an identity
- belong in this dream and to be loved, and useful
- heal itself so as to not be seen as weak or less than others
all of this is happening in the perfection of now ...

Laughter is occurring, not knowing anything, watching what arises

Noticing the breath, in this silent space

Loving what is .... in this joy that has no opposite,
this inarticulate joy!