Too good?

My brother has an annual golf tournament he sponsors and this year is his 20th such event. Due to this momentous occasion all my sisters are coming in from various locations to partake in the tournament and subsequent festivities.

I have probably played in the tournament 10 times or so and certainly the last couple of years as my wife's favorite participatory sport is golf. This year I decided I want to take a couple of lessons because:

1) have more fun (ie... less swings and time searching for wayward golf balls)

2) assist my partner in hitting some of the kept shots (best ball is played per team)

3) it would encourage me to play more and get more exercise, be outdoors etc...

Today while I was saying goodbye to my wife before she left to work - we went over my planned schedule for the day and she reiterated "Oh, you have your golf lesson today...um... your going to get good!" to which I almost stepped over her speaking and said "Oh honey ... I hit 1 in 5 good shots now ... so maybe I will hit 2 in 5 after my lessons".

After she had left it popped into my mind how I felt when she said those words ... "get good" and how I got an uneasy feeling in my gut ... I felt like my response was to her was defensive ... it was as if me getting good at golf was somehow going to harm her or make her feel bad. I felt embarrassed some how? Embarrassed in taking golf lessons to get better at golf? Seemed pretty harmless - but wow, one comment in passing from my wife and KA BLU EEEEEEE.....

Although the comment was innocent (she meant no harm) ... it allowed me to really witness what the underpinnings of the emotional knot around "being good". In feeling into this deeper I remember as a child how my fathers expectations were so high of me, and I was never good enough. And my mothers focus was not being selfish, thinking about others first and focus on what I can do in service to them, not me.

I remembered too as I got older that somehow if things got too good, too nice of house or car or job - somehow I was putting down my parents or others. I was showing them up, rubbing it in their face, like I was taunting them with my new found good will. This feeling created separation - the haves and the have nots. The closeness in the family was lost.

Thankfully that is no longer true! Our family is closer than ever, amazing what happens when healing occurs.

I don't want to get into a novel or pontificate on all the "work" I have done over the years to deepen my healing, what I do want to share is.... I am human, stuff happens and since I've decided the best way to love and serve others is to truly love and serve myself, I accept all things that arise in my life and choose to face them directly. This means to love all aspects of myself. To witness with an open heart all others equally and be honest about the experience... no matter what.

I've chosen this path... there is no turning back ... I will let love have it's way with me ... even if that means I'm "getting good".